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Self management

The 7 Minute Course in

Anger Management & Prevention

Introduction

Anger is one of the most dangerous emotions, but one of the easiest to understand. However, before we dive into explore it’s origins and causes, it is vital to remind ourselves that it is always our own creation. It is an emotion which we create as part of our response to what we perceive is happening around us. As we shall see, no one can actually make us angry, although, like all our other emotional states, it seems as if they do.

Anger is also a very painful emotion and we are suffering when we create it. And yet many people believe it is good to be angry sometimes. They even think it is healthy. But the truth is, the evidence has been mounting for some time that anger kills. In the psychosomatic scheme of things it is directly linked to heart disease and cancer, and there are now numerous clinics which treat patients by helping them understand and transform their anger.

Further evidence that we are beginning to do something about this deadly family of emotions, has been the rising number of anger management courses. Twenty years ago, going on an anger management course would have been almost unheard off. So here is the 7 Minute Course in Anger Management and Prevention. Have fun!

Insight 1: Anger Anger Everywhere

It’s an angry world. Every day we see mounting evidence of the increase of anger in the world. So what is anger and why does it happen. Or, why do we create it more than ever. It’s simple. Anger is a response to someone who does not do what you want them to do, or who does do what you do not want them to do. That ‘someone’ could be one individual or a group of individuals. It could also be ‘something’, where a certain situation has not happened the way you wanted, needed or expected it to. The root cause of most, if not all anger is an attachment to an image of someone being/doing something in a certain way, or conversely, not being/doing something in a certain way. As we watch the world events we become angry at the actions of one nation towards another, one group towards another, a few towards many, and many towards one etc. This is because a) we are attached to the way things are b) we identify with the pain experienced by one side and feel that pain ourselves (in fact we create it in sympathy) and our response is to become upset. Anger is the emotion. What we do not see and realise is that we only hurt ourselves, and we cannot help others who are suffering from their own anger, when we ourselves create anger in response. So before we dive a little deeper, take a moment to reflect on the following.

• Question: Who and what ‘seems’ to make you angry in the world right now?
  
  
  
• Reflection: What are you attached to behind your anger? (i.e. what is it that you want but are not getting)
  
  
  
• Action: What will you do to stop creating anger next time? (i.e. what will you let go of, allow, accept, release etc?)
  
  
  

Insight 2: Expect Not

We all quickly learn to expect something. Life is predictable to the extent we know the sun will rise in the morning and the seasons will turn each year. Beyond that however, we all know that it makes sense to expect the unexpected. We also know that if we expect anything of anyone, one day we will be let down, so we create the emotion of disappointment, turn that into anger, and turn that back into fear (that it may happen again). And it’s all going on in our own heads. The only cure for this cycle of dis-ease is not to expect anything of anyone. But then you say, “how is this possible, you have to have expectations that someone will get the job that you have delegated done, that the child will come home safe and sound...don’t you?”. Well do you? Expectations are not compulsory. And once we see that they lead to pain maybe we can learn to live without them. But if you cannot be expectation free instantly, the secondary cure is as follows - have expectations, but don’t get attached to your expectations. Another way of saying this is don’t let your happiness be dependent on having your expectations met. No one said this was easy, but it is possible. If we don’t learn to live without expectations then we are likely to live our life in pain as we become dependent on our expectations being met; and then create our anger towards those who did not meet our expectations. There will always be someone who does not do the delegated task, or arrive at the arranged time, or even simply call you as you expected. There is always a reason why. And guess what. If you are angry you are not interested in finding out why, and you certainly cannot help them if you are throwing you anger at them. Remember, it’s not them that decides you will be upset, it’s you. You suffer first, and they will tend to move away from you, perhaps beyond your sphere of influence.

• Question: Who are the two people in your life today about whom you have high expectations?
  
  
  
• Reflection: Do you think it is healthy to have these expectations? What will you feel if your expectations are not met?
  
  
  
• Action: What could you do to ensure you do not descend into disappointment but stay positive when someone does not fulfill their commitments, which are/were your expectations?
  
  
  

Insight 3: Renounce Revenge

When we feel hurt by another person we feel the urge to take revenge. Even though we know it will not resolve the situation, or heal the relationship, we still want, and feel justified in wanting, and taking, revenge. The illusion behind the desire to hurt another with our rage is that they were the ones who hurt us. No they didn’t. No one hurts us but we can, and do, use others to hurt ourselves. When we play the blame game we are effectively demonstrating to the world how to avoid taking responsibility for our feelings and actions. Revenge is never sweet because the knife of anger is inflicted on ourselves by ourselves long before the other person knows what is happening. So it’s wise up time. No one can hurt you. So there is no need for anger. Anger is a sign that you are under the illusion that others can hurt you, and that you have decided to hurt yourself. Definitely not very enlightened. If all that sounds slightly confusing please read again…slowly.

• Question: When was the last time you thought someone had hurt you?
  
  
  
• Reflection: How did you perceive the other person, how did you interpret their actions (i.e. what did you do with them in your head that caused you anger)?
  
  
  
• Action: Imagine the situation happened again – how could you perceive the situation (interpret their actions) differently, so that you did not create anger in response?
  
  
  

Insight 4: In the Middle of Anger

Anger becomes like any other habit, an automatic creation in response to certain situations, events and other people’s behaviour. It is almost impossible to be free of anger instantly. It is the price we pay today, for the mistakes we made yesterday of becoming attached to something, some outcome or some one else’s actions. So it must come, and until all our mistakes are healed, and our habits transformed, it will come. So what to do when it does come.
Step One – Never struggle with it. Don’t fight it, or resist it, in any way. That only either strengthens it, or suppresses it until another rainy day. So face it and accept its presence.
Step Two – As soon as possible, simply observe it. In the act of observation all emotion must die. Why? Because you are standing back from it within your consciousness in order to observe it. And as you stand back within your consciousness you are withdrawing your life giving energy from it. Emotion can only live in your consciousness as long as you give it your energy.
Step Three – Return to your centre, that means the centre of your consciousness, the centre of your self. At the centre you will find inner peace, and that peace is your power. At the centre of yourself you will find your love, and that love, when you give it to yourself, is the healing balm of self-forgiveness. Deep down you know you created the anger, you know it was not the other person, deep down you know you have just lost the plot, and you have just hurt yourself by doing so. So the beginning of healing is self-forgiveness, and that means accepting and loving yourself. If you practice this, then eventually, you will see the illusion behind your anger, and eventually you will create it no more.

• Question: What do you usually feel and do when you create anger? (don’t just say ‘angry’ but look closely at the emotion you were feeling and describe it precisely)
  
  
  
• Reflection: Now imagine using the above three steps in a situation where you normally become angry.
  
  
  
• Action: In what situations do you think you could practise the above in real life tomorrow?
  
  
  

Insight 5: Today’s Irritation is Tomorrows Rage

It begins with a small irritation. The traffic is slow up ahead, or perhaps someone keeps pestering you for something, demanding your attention, when you want to be focused on something else. You become a little irritated. If the seed of irritation is watered it grows into frustration. You are not going to get where you want to be on time, or you are not going to complete your task as you would want, or something is stopping you from enjoying the game. Unless you take some positive inner action to stop the growth of the frustration, it will grow into anger and anger into rage. And if you are not careful it will become a habit, an ingrained part of your personality which you will eventually come to believe is a natural part of your nature. You will even convince yourself you were born with it. That it is ‘in the genes’. Every time you become angry you will stimulate the production of certain chemicals in your body and you will become addicted to those chemicals thereby looking for people and situations which will give you an excuse to generate the ‘anger emotion’ so that you can have your daily hit. And when someone comes along and tells you anger is unnatural, not necessary and no one else’s creation but your own, then you become angry at that person because they are threatening your dependency with the truth about anger! Not only do we become attached to things and people and ideas etc, we become attached to our emotions. Anger is a poison created by the soul under the illusion that everything in life should be ‘just so.’ And that poison will eventually kill the body (not you, but your body). Don’t kill your body. Accept that the anger is never ever productive, know that it is just not necessary to be angry with anyone or about anything, know that it is entirely your own creation and know that you can choose a different response. Know and accept that, and you will be almost free! Otherwise you will be slave to everything in life that you cannot control.

• Question: What are the current situations where you find you are beginning to become a little irritated?
  
  
  
• Reflection: In the past what have become the major frustrations in your life and do you remember the moment they began to be minor irritations?
  
  
  
• Action: Take each current ‘trigger’ of your irritation and practice acceptance and allowing.
  
  
  

Insight 6: Don’t turn the Gun on Yourself

Not only do we have expectations of others we also have great expectations of ourselves. And when we don’t live up to those expectations we can easily be upset with ourselves and turn that gun on ourselves. We all know that being angry towards ourselves solves and resolves nothing, fixes nothing and has zero benefit. It simply deepens the habit and puts more emotional poison into our system. It all began somewhere in the past when we were taught by our parents to catch hold of their high expectations of us, then have them for ourselves, and then beat ourselves up if we did not meet them. It could have been as children entering school, it could have been in the rebellious teenagers years or at exam time etc. It doesn’t matter when it was, there is no need to know. It does not need to be remembered and re-examined, as some therapists advocate. We only need to be gentle with ourselves today, and accept ourselves as we are right now – warts and all. There is no such thing as failure, only feedback – this is the kind of wisdom we need to inculcate to heal the habit of turning the gun on ourselves. The hand we are dealt in life is the result of the hand we have dealt others in previous lives – this is the kind of wisdom we need in order to understand the story of our life, so we do not look back on life in anger as one filled with injustice and let down. And yet, even with all the wisdom in the world, the habit of angering will likely remain, even in subtle forms. So it helps the healing process to keep forgiving, keep forgetting, keep understanding and moving on. But most off all keep visualising. We need to keep visualising ourselves being free of anger in situations and relationships where before anger was the currency of our exchange. Visualisation is how to create and sow the seeds of new habits, of new ways to respond.

• Question: In what two areas of your life do you have the highest expectation of yourself?
  
  
  
• Reflection: Imagine yourself being and feeling happy and content, at one with yourself, well before these expectations are met.
  
  
  
• Action: Write down the three things which will sustain your ability to remain cool and calm.
  
  
  

Insight 7: Yes but surely…

Yes but surely if you see one nation taking advantage of another, invading, killing and cleansing another race, surely it is only right and natural to become angry?
Well you can if you want, but be careful, the same principle applies – it’s your creation remember, and therefore your self inflicted pain. And how often has your anger ever made any positive difference to the situation? Probably never. The reason is, it is usually ‘armchair anger’, and that only serves to warm your chair!

Yes but surely if you see a child being abused by an adult, physically or mentally, surely it’s right to be angry at such people?
Well you can if you so wish, but have you ever noticed that when you get angry with someone it seems to push them away, they go into hiding, they go underground, and then it’s not possible to influence them and help them to change. For in your anger you forgot the abuser has a disturbed, ill mentality (probably because they were abused) and their violence towards another is a cry for help.

Yes but surely if politicians, in whom we entrust the nation and its institutions, are proved to be dishonest and corrupt, surely there is a case for being angry at how they cheat the people?
Well yes you can, but it is still the least effective response as we forget that our anger is the casting of a stone, and perhaps our own record is not whiter than white within the community of relationships in which we live and work.

Yes, but surely if you don’t get angry about anything you might as well lie down and be a doormat for dictators, abusers and corrupt politicians, and the like?
Well you could if you think doormat is a role you would like to play, but it’s not compulsory when anger is no more. You could explore the idea of assertiveness. You are fortunate to have an intellect that knows the way to differentiate between right and wrong, you are human so you have the capacity for understanding and compassion, and you have a unique contribution to make to this game called life. So why not leave your armchair and ‘do something’ to help the situation become better, to help the people who harm or cheat others to become better people? If you care about the situation so much what are you waiting for? Trouble is, the angry person is a bit like the ‘compulsive complainer’. If you complain (get upset) it means you have an image of how you would prefer things to be but you are not prepared to take the risk to do something about it.

Sometimes we sign off to our friends with ‘take care’. Don’t take care – take risks!

Any Questions?