RelaxCoach Questions and answers, personal guidance and advice on any aspect of relaxation and personal development E-mail your question and we will respond to you within 48 hours. Your Question     Example Questions   Q1: I've invested so much time and money in my career, but I am just not fulfilled anymore. I get paid very well and feel that I should make the most of it whilst its there, but it is not emotionally or intellectually challenging anymore and I cannot motivate myself. I know I need to make a career change, but how can I stop myself procrastinating and going around in an endless cycle of confusion & depression? I'm so confused I am losing sight of what I am actually good at and what I tell myself I should be good at! A: Thanks for your question. I have a feeling your question is one that sits in the heads of many people during these challenging fast paced times. It was exactly how I felt twenty years ago. There are some deep reasons and some not so deep reasons why you feel the way you do and there are some deep solutions and not so deep answers that may be useful. Most of our careers are oriented towards a life where success is defined by acquisition. We are taught that the more we have, and the higher the position we manage to get, then the more fulfilled and happy we will be. But this is an illusion. It is based on fairly superficial and material values. There comes a time in everyone’s life when we both question and see through this illusion. In fact you may be aware that the more we have (materially) the emptier we feel. Behind your confusion and depression will be that emptiness …among other things, which explains your lack of motivation and enthusiasm. Any form of inner discomfort is calling us to question and investigate what we have been taught, how we are living and how we are responding to life and people around us. That is not to say we should give it all up, drop out and live in a cave. Keep doing what you are doing but I would suggest you give some time to exploring the deeper questions of identity, purpose and values. Each one of us has a purpose – in other words something we are here to give, not take. You may already know but not have realised you know. You may know what your purpose is, but you are not aware yet of it. What makes your heart sing? What lights up your soul? What would you dive enthusiastically out of bed for in the morning? When you answer these questions – check there is no dependency on anything external (taking) and that you are motivated to express yourself in some giving way. The answers may give you some clues regarding the direction to take. We all know the deepest satisfaction in life is when we give, not get, so it’s a question of finding what you are here to give. And that can be anything from your time, talent, ideas, energy, money, whatever. Only you know. Whatever it is, there will be something creative at its heart. You won’t find it in your horoscope or some psychic reading but you will find it with your intuition. So I recommend you don’t stop what you are doing but take time to develop your intuition, which basically means take time for your own personal growth. I make the presumption here that you are a busy career oriented person and don’t really give yourself focussed time for inner self development. Start browsing the self development bookshelves, start enquiring into the question of identity, attend some courses in visualisation and meditation, gravitate towards people who are interested in issues of personal growth. Put yourself in student mode. Be open to new ideas and deeper values. You will gradually find that the most important things we need to know in life are not taught to us on the conveyor belt which is our formal academic education, which is basically a preparation to become good citizens in our global culture of production and consumption. That’s not to reject it and find no value in it. Our education is important, but it extremely incomplete. If you follow through on these questions of meaning, purpose, identity and values with some serious intent, you will eventually realise these are spiritual issues (not to do with religion) and that it is the absence of a clear sense of identity, purpose and values which underlies your current sense of confusion and lack of life satisfaction. Be patient. Don’t mention anything to anyone. Start your detective work quietly but strongly. Your back in University again. It’s called life. See your current career process as a means to an end. It allows you to stay free of financial concerns while you can focus your intellect on deeper, more important issues. See your job/work/career not as drudgery and a place that brings out your stress, but an opportunity to learn about your self and others in the mirror and the process of your workplace relationships. See everything you have done so far as a training or preparation for something greater, for something which is not quite yet clear – but will be, in time. See it all as a game. Children learn best and fast when they play games. As soon as we start to take things too seriously it means we have brought fear into the picture and that shuts down our capacity to love and to learn. We are here to play, learn and give. We each get to create our own way of playing/giving and to participate with others if we so choose. Creativity and choice are both rights and responsibilities – they are at the heart of the gift we all recieve which no more or less than ….life. Time to have fun? Real fun is not taking or wanting or keeping – it is always giving and sharing and receiving. These are not new insights but the heart of timeless wisdom. It’s just a question of what you would like to create and give and share. Rediscover this choice. Research timeless wisdom. There is nothing you cannot do, nothing you cannot be, nothing you cannot give, if you set your heart into it. But first…some quiet time, to explore, research, understand, realise, wake up, and see what’s really going, not out there, but ‘in there’, and all your options. Not a short answer – probably throws up more questions. If so, happy to respond if you want to dialogue. If not …hope it’s useful…have fun! Best wishes Mike PS Careful you don’t identify with others Suffering. Understand it yes, empathise yes, but don’t identify with it. If you do, you will suffer too, and then you are no good to anyone. Most of all to yourself. PPS The not so deep and more immediately practical answer. When the feelings of confusion and depression come don’t fight them, deny them, or get upset with yourself for having them. Face them and feel them fully. You are not your feelings. They are clouds that come to pass. They will pass quickly when you look at them (but don’t put a deadline on their passing!), observe them and say, “ there is a feeling of confusion….there is a feeling of depression”. Don’t try to analyse them, just observe them, accept them, feel them fully, and you will find they pass much faster. If you follow the other suggestions above you will learn precisely where these feelings come from and why, when the time is right.     Q2: I am considered a 'strong' and a positive person, having survived a difficult childhood, broken marriages, changes of life style and illness (including cancer). I have wit, humour, personality and the ability to 'turn things around' and 'make things happen' (these are quotes from other people). The problem is that in anything I do, I attract people who are negative. In my personal life and in my professional life I am seen as a 'rock' who can take anything and still come up smiling. In reality I am sick of carrying other people. I feel my energy is being sapped, and although it is renewed at the beginning of every day (I love my job, Special education - severe learning difficulties teacher and senior manager), I feel that I am being gradually and seriously drained by most of the people around me. I am eternally optimistic, can see good in the worst situations, but NOT tonight after a complex day in which adults behave worse than the children and see me as 'fair game' for personal comments. What can I do to alleviate this situation apart from losing my cool? A: Thanks for the question. Esentially no one can take or drain your power without your permission. Behind what feels like the draining of your energy is an inability to do three things : Say no to peoples demands for your time/attention/energy Break free of the illusion that other people are responsible for your feelings/emotions Take time out to rest, relax and replenish your spitual power (not so much an inability - more just not realised its value) Looking at each one of the above 1. Most of us are conditioned to keep saying yes to peoples demands at a young age. We are not allowed to be happy unless we have a parent or 'big persons' approval. This is then translated into all our relationships later in life and shows up as the fear of saying no or being assertive in case we should lose the approval and acceptance of the other person. This means my self esteem is based on other peoples attitude/behaviour towards me. Which of course is a recipe for a great deal of subtle and not so subtle stress which seems to be created by others but is in fact self created. Solution - work on your self esteem - make it independent of other peoples attitude and behaviour to yourself and you will get your self respect back. When you have that self respect it automatically attracts respect from others. 2. One of the most powerful illusions which pervades our world is that other people are the creators of our feelings and emotions. Yes we are all influenced in some way but it is possible to be the master of our feelings and choose what we want to feel and do not want to feel. If you want to explore this issue deeply you will arrive at our old friend the Ego. Understand the Ego and you will see why you are not the master of your feelings but a slave to the habit of feeling what you have been taught to think and feel. Cultivating this inner understanding requires a little inner work which is why meditation and reflection are essential daily practices of self empowerment and self mastery. 3. Meditation and reflection are also essential to rest and relax at the deepest level of spirit, and to be able to renew and revitalise your spiritual energy. Yes you feel fresh when you awaken after a good nights sleep but that does not serve to change the habits of thought and action which disturb and disipate your mental and spiritual energy throughout the day. Each day needs to have some quiet personal time in your schedule which is just for you. Not in front of the TV or running around a tennis court but a quiet time where you can review your inner space and go on a brief inner reatreat to find your inner peace and inner power. So I recomend you learn some form of meditation for daily practice and put aside at least two or three weekends a year to go on a well organised spiritual retreat. Many people say they are too busy to give themselves time for their spiritual development (meditation and study) ...but they are not actually saying they are too busy.... they are really saying they value being busy with their work more than they value themselves. We always find time for what we care about. Unfortunately we are not taught to value and care for our self, our spiritual self, our inner life. And yet this is the basis of our lives. Our state of being is the foundation of all we do. Everything flows from that. It's not part of our formal education which is why we have to be humble enough to go 'back to school' sometime in later life. Our education tends to give us much information but very little wisdom. May I recommend you look at trymeditation.com, find a centre near you, and experiment with a basic course in meditation. Otherwise I'm happy to continue the conversation if you find it useful. Very Best wishes Mike George     Q3: When I enter the deep silence, there is only perfection. However when I return to this "world" I feel a sense of heaviness. How can I maintain the joy and peace that I experience in meditation? A: Thanks for your note and excellent question. The perfection which you experience when you are in silence contains the joy and peace which is your essential and original nature as a spiritual being. You will no doubt feel empowered by these experiences. When your awareness returns to the corporeal world of action and interaction through your body it is important to put that power to work with the right intention/motivation. The experiences are not just for you, the power is not just for you. Find ways to give it, to use it for the benefit of others. Check your purpose in your life....is it to get, and accumulate for yourself, to survive what seems a harsh world around you - if it is then the joy and peace and love you may experience in meditation turns into fear and anxiety, first at the levels of your thoughts, then feelings and then your attitudes. Whereas when your purpose is to give, to share, to serve at any level, then your energy is given as love, as long as you want nothing in return. And you are the first to experience that love ...'on the way out'. It all rests in how you see yourself. If you see yourself as Ananda, and identify with the face you see in the mirror, or the work you do, or the country you come from then you are 'body conscious', and this is the root of all fear. Fear always chases love and peace away - they cannot co-exist within consciousness. If however you truly see yourself as spirit, as soul, as an imperishable point of conscious spiritual energy which resides within and animates the body, then you are 'soul conscious', and that is the only way to maintain and sustain your capacity to be loving and peaceful in action. The challenge of a truly spiritual life is to remain peaceful when all around you are not only peaceless but would want you to be peaceless with them. You cannot be powerful unless you are peaceful. If you are peaceless in day to day living then use some of your meditations to explore why the peacelessness comes. If this makes sense to you and interests you I recommend you have a look at trymeditation.com.......... find a centre near you and take the Foundation Course in Raja Yoga Meditation. The course is a good balance between method and knowledge/wisdom...and it seems you are ready to explore the deeper wisdom and knowledge of the soul.     Q4: I am living in a flat with a mix of people (3 others) and I find myself behaving different when I am in their company compared to when I am at work or with friends. I have been living there almost a year now and I am feeling that I should more than be over it. I don't have difficulty relating to people that I have never met before as I do this all the time in social and work situations. Can you please let me know how I can become more relaxed around them and also less conscious of what I am doing/saying as I would around friends? A: Thanks for your question. It's not unusual to find yourself in the situation you describe. Our friends we choose because we are comfortable with them, and they are comfy with us - that's why they are friends. Our colleagues at work we do not choose but most people know the relationship boundaries and behaviours in the formal context of work. Sharing a flat with others is that grey area in the middle and it can take time to get comfy with each other. A couple of secrets - try not to judge them in any way. If you do they will pick up that energy from you and feel a bit threatened. Try not to have any expectations of them - if you do you will always find yourself feeling let down and therefore giving them a negative energy, which they in turn will give you back. Be interested in them, give them lots of respect - these are the building blocks of relationship, and that's the challenge of your situation - to build those relationships. In the process you will gradually become more comfortable with yourself, and more confident in your interactions. Don't view the situation as a problem see it as an opportunity to learn about yourself and others. Don't try to rush anything. Be independent and not dependent. Hope some of that helps. Best wishes     Q5: During a recent meeting one of my charges commented that they don't like themselves. This concerned me greatly and I would like to point them in the right direction. I mentioned Emotional Intelligence and they seemed quite interested. I would like to be able to offer some exercises / suggest some techniques and guidance / possibly reading material which may begin to help them sort this out. Due to the nature of the relationship it is not possible for me to take it on as a one to one coach. Can you recommend a place to start? A: Thanks for your note. I'm sorry about the delay in getting back to you - I've been overseas and my emails have not been forwarding efficiently. In response to your Q it is very common for people to dislike themselves. More common than people liking themselves. It's just that most people are either not aware of it within themselves as they have lived with it for so long, or they would never mention it to another person. Yes ideally a coach or a mentor would be the best way forward. Again ideally that person is you - that's why they are in your universe. They are your opportunity to play that role. I'm assuming you are their manager in a work context. If you do see it as your role to help them build their self esteem but you are unsure how to do that I recommend you go on some course - e.g. Coaching Skills, Self Esteem for Peak Performance, or Personal Development. There you can explore esteem in more depth and see the skills that you can develop in coaching and mentoring. Remember you only truly learn these subtle skills by doing it, not by going on a course, but the courses are important 'starter packs'.. If attending courses is difficult then there are many good books out there which will give you the necessary insights to get you started. If you really cannot or do not want to take the opportunity to play this role then you can find a personal coach outside work for them. This will probably cost some money. Research Coaching on the web and you will find many organisations now exist to provide this service. I'm an email coach only at the moment due to my current schedule. I'm happy to assist you in this way and answer any questions you may have.     Q6: I find it difficult to relax when i am in meetings. I feel panicky and want to run out of the room. I also feel anxious in other situations when surrounded by people, e.g on a train, bus, cinema etc. I would like to feel relaxed in these situations, so i could enjoy them. Please could you suggest an exercise that could help. A: Thanks for your question. I'm sorry about the delay in responding, have been overseas and emails not forwarding efficiently. Many people suffer from panic attacks and do not know why. Essentially it is the result of experiences which are recorded in your subconscious. For many years I experienced the same. The most effective method to free yourself and heal the experiences is meditation. I recommend you find a course and build some practice into your day. Be patient, it can take time to reap or feel the benefit, but you may feel immediate benefit – everyone is different. You can buy books and tapes - and that is useful. But it's more effective to find a teacher to get you started and someone you can talk to about what you are experiencing. Lots of meditation courses etc out there. Try a few and follow your intuition. trymeditation.com has access to centres worldwide. PS Just in case you say you don't have time to meditate, if you do say that what you are really saying is that you don't have time to care for yourself. You are the most important person in your life.       Q7: I attended one of your courses back in the autumn last year. Thanks for the wonderful insight that you gave. I found the course to be inspirational but, this far along the road, it has only reinforced in me the mountain I have to climb to gain the benefits from it. Change is slow and difficult but I am persevering. I find the daily thoughts on the web site very useful but am troubled by `yesterday's eliminate stress thought' which suggest that delaying listening to the message of pain that stress gives points to you having enjoyed the stress you have experienced. This seems to go against what I seem to recall you saying at the course that there are no real benefits from the adrenaline caused by stress. If stress makes us happy, won't we benefit from the happiness it brings? A: Many thanks for your note. Good to hear you are continuing the inner work which is so important for our own growth. Yes you're right, change is slow, that's why interest and patience are important qualities to maintain. Regarding your Q about stress and happiness. Yes stress can appear to make us happy but it's not real happiness, it's usually stimulation. Real human happiness and joy come not from being stimulated from something outside the self (e.g., external achievement or internal adrenaline) but from the giving of oneself. We are conditioned to think happiness comes with getting and acquiring, that relaxation comes with stimulation (TV) but it's an illusion. It is a transient experience that is dependent on some outer condition. Real happiness comes from inside out and can never be taken from us. It's just that we are not aware of its presence within. Excitement is not happiness...it is excitement. It's a high that must result in a low...or...sorrow. Real happiness has no opposite. Interesting isn't it....       Q8: I have been trying to meditate to experience the silence but ever so often my mind takes over and I feel I am just staring with my eyes closed even in the period when I have no thoughts I experience just blankness no further. I am ashamed to say I have been trying for over 4 years. What am I not doing correctly? A: Thanks for your Q The aim of meditation is not to have no thoughts. At least not initially and not all the time. The aim is to create the right kind of thoughts and quality of thoughts. These should be based on your real identity and nature as a spiritual being. The purpose of meditation is to restore your true send of identity – to experience yourself as a spiritual being - a spark of spiritual light occupying the body. This requires not stopping thoughts but transforming our thoughts. It's not easy on ones own and easier in a group. Certainly it's important to have a teacher to start with. I recommend you try Raja Yoga meditation to take you to the next stage in your practice. Have a look at trymeditation.com for centres and courses.     Q9: I have just completed reading your book 'Discover Inner Peace' and I have found it to be a greater source of inspiration to understanding my own religion, much more in fact than my religion has ever offered me in the past. However, I do have specific questions in mind relating to compassion and I would be grateful if you could enlighten me further on the following: Would it not be true to say that there is a fine line between compassion and compliance? A: Yes there is but only you know which side of the line you are on. Compassion is always accompanied by understanding and empathy, whereas compliance is tends to be an immediate response of submission out of the feeling of being overpowered. Compassion might sometimes be followed by compliance if you know or think it may help the other person or at least build your relationship in a positive way with them. But you will also know when they might take advantage of that compliance, which is the point you have to remain compassionate but assertive in your withdrawal of that compliance.     Q10: How can happiness be derived when it is difficult to show compassion to a cantankerous elderly parent who is not at peace with herself and whose sole purpose is to be destructive towards all those who come into contact with her by badmouthing, criticism and contempt. A: First of all don’t expect or want to derive happiness from the interaction. Your mother is suffering and projecting (if not dumping) that suffering on you. If she sees you become upset by her behaviour she will continue because she thinks she has power over you. Real compassion in this case means understanding she is in pain, being there for her but not being affected by her negativity. It also does not mean you stand there and take it with a smile. You need to be creative with your responses. First, do not absorb her pain/negativity, second do not reflect it back to her and third ask yourself in what ways can you assist her to see it is her own creation. Perhaps ask her why she insists in always playing the role of victim. Or you could ask her for how long she intends to hold on to her pain. Be there for her answer, listen and appreciate her response, smile, then say nothing and walk away. These kinds of interactions are like seeds. They may take a little while to sprout and take effect. To leave someone with a question is often more effective than trying impose answers. The main thing is for you to change the steps of your daily dance together – then she will have to change hers. But as long as you keep reacting or allowing her to think she can get at you she will never change. Your own happiness should not be dependent on anything, least of all your mothers moods and behaviours. Tough as that may sound play with it, experiment, and see what works. Let me ask you. What happens when we allow our happiness to be dependent on anything outside ourselves? I must stress that I am talking about a volatile and precarious personality whose nature is likened to a tiger - step in its way and you are likely to be attacked either verbally or physically. It is used to being in control. Absolutely nothing will deter it from seeing that a door is black when everyone else can see that the door is white. Life is full of tigers. As soon as most people see a tiger they run, a few may fight. Again it’s a question of being creative – there are always many possible options when faced with life’s tigers. But in order to see the possibilities you will need to maintain your inner peace – ever tried being creative when you are scared or angry – it’s not possible. Those emotions shut down our ability to see possibilities So practice calm. Learn to meditate and connect with your innate inner peace at all times and you will find it gradually becomes easier to respond effectively to the tigers of life. In your case Mum is one of your tigers. For others it’s the boss, or a neighbour, or the kids, or the job etc. Your mother only thinks she controls you when you react predictably – but this is the illusion of control because it’s you that creates your reaction not her. Above all remember that your mother is not her personality. Her personality is made up of all the learned beliefs, perceptions and experiences in this and maybe past lifetimes. Beneath all of that stuff is a soul whose real nature is peaceful and loving. Your challenge now is to show her the face of love called assertiveness, balanced with genuine care and respect. Be her parent – sometimes lay down the law, at others show her your soft side – but never react. See her as a angry child and you are her parent. Reverse the roles and see what happens. They probably were reversed in a previous birth! She may have an older body but you may be the older, and therefore wiser soul.     Q11: Would it not be easier to walk away from a negative personality that is too old to change. To sever the tie in order preserve my sanity or do I continue to comply with whatever hurt is thrown at me in order to achieve inner peace? A: Don’t accept the hurt. Your mother is not hurting you, you are hurting yourself. I know that is difficult to see – but play with it. It’s not what your mother says or does to you that MAKES you fell that way, it’s what you do (in your head) with what you mother says or does that makes you feel the way you do. Unfortunately they do not teach us this in school but it’s like a truth we must discover if we are to be truly free. Otherwise you make yourself a prisoner or victim of your mother. Don’t walk away either. Yes it’s good to leave the room occasionally to demonstrate you are not just going to get into a fight. But leave with dignity and a smile. See instead your mother as your teacher. She is your opportunity to learn and grow strong so as not to be affected by such a personality. Understand she is in pain mentally and emotionally. She thinks its normal, and has become used to her own pain, even believing it is normal. Your role is to help her wake up and choose freedom from that pain she inflicts on herself. But first you have to do that for yourself. So use her as your teacher. Perhaps you could even say say to her one day, “you know mum, you may not realise this, but you are teaching me some great lessons. For instance, with you I am learning the futility of being a victim of other peoples behaviours!!!” (or something to that effect)     Q12: I have read your chapter on forgiveness and reconciliation. If the positive energy I try to channel is not reciprocated and I cannot still the "emotive destructive wave" how can I achieve emotional harmony? I do feel I am climbing a greasy pole. As a daughter it is much harder for me to view the landscape from an aerial view - to stand back, observe and empathise why there is a destructive wave. A: Remember the soul that is playing the role of your mother cannot destroy you. You also are essentially a soul, a spiritual being that is eternal, imperishable, indestructible. This however needs to be not just an idea for you, but a real experience. This is why time out in meditation is essential to realise who you really are. This is spirituality, nothing to do with religion. Religion serves us with a set of beliefs, but beliefs have limited power, what we need is to connect to the truth, and that lies inside you, not in some book, or someone else’s head. When you experience your self to be a soul, or spiritual entity, you will not need beliefs for then you will know. That’s why the aerial view is essential in order to detach from the old perceptions of the relationship based on your physical bodies (mother and child, parent and daughter) – this will give you the necessary start to empower yourself. You need that power to be detached and yet stay involved. Meditation will help you draw on your inner resources, your inner power to help you do this.     Q13: Understanding the reasons behind such a parent's negativity can help but it does not make the situation any better. I always believed that harmony and truth must be reciprocated. Any resentment or contempt must diminish. It is easier to show compassion to a friend because somehow there is a mutual understanding; you don't feel tied in any way and your not too close to the situation. It is taken for granted that aggression is not tolerated. A: Understanding is a start and it is important. You don’t need to understand all the detail, just that the soul that is playing the role of your mother is asleep to the truth of who she is. She is holding on to something in the past – but it is not your role to make her let go and make her wake up, only to be awaken yourself. It will help her to change. If you can maintain a balance between love and law while giving real respect, eventually it will be reciprocated. But you mustn’t want it, much less need it.     Q14: The old adage "you can choose your friends and not your family" rings true. In terms of a parent, isn't there also a fine line between tolerance and compassion? How far do I continue to show compassion for an elderly parent that continuously browbeats me to the ground with her badmouthing and violence? Am I meant to tolerate it? How can I repair a wrong that does not want to be corrected? A: Actually you did choose your family too, you just don’t remember! Tolerance does not mean suffering in silence and just putting up with someone. It means being able to accept them as they are, warts and all, and always to give them positive energy out of compassion (but not condescension). To do that you yourself need to be powerful. Take time out to empower yourself. Not so that you can have power over her, but so that you are able to stand in front of her with high self esteem and self respect. I would be grateful if you would please answer most of the above questions. As a daughter who is constantly seeking the right path and trying to do the right thing I would welcome your views on this and I look forward to receiving your comments on this particular scenario.     Q15: I find it difficult to stop thinking about one particular person, I know it’s consuming all my energy, and I’d like to stop but don’t seem to be able, what can I do? A: Many people develop the habit of obsessive thinking, and usually another person is the object of their thoughts. There are three things you can do. First create a self correcting phrase like, “Stop, Stop, Stop!” and as soon as you become aware of the obsessive thoughts use this phrase to interrupt them. Second, find something in which to focus your mental energy, a task or project, and then as soon as you become aware of the obsessive thoughts beginning, shift your focus to the task. And third, you need to start strengthening your mind and controlling your thoughts, so it’s time to learn some form of visualisation or meditation technique. This will be necessary to both break and heal the habit.     Q16: I can’t stop worrying about my children whenever they leave the house. The more I worry the more they seem to ignore me. A: First be aware that this is how most mothers teach their children how to worry by constantly worrying about their children and telling them so. We then think worrying is OK and a sign of caring and grow up with the habit. But worry is fantasised catastrophising – you are creating imaginary images of doom and scaring your self with those images. Worry is not love, and children need love not worry. When you stop worrying you are more able to be more positive and give positive energy to your children. Yes there are a million things which could happen when they are out – but you have no way of controlling any of them. And when you express your worries to your children you can appear to be wanting to control them which, as most parent will tell you, is fatal if you want to influence them. And lastly, worry can easily become a self fulfilling prophesy. Change the worry habit by turning the energy into encouraging and empowering your children.